Diagon Alley, it was a magical place. Every shop you could think of, it was here. Potion shops, clothing stores, toy stores and so many more. One of the shops strangely looked out of the ordinary, maybe it was new. All of the other shops were run down, with moss growing inside the gutters and signs that looked like they were 80 or more years old.
I am slowly making my way towards the shop, and I begin to notice something even weirder. The crowd is slowly disappearing as I make my way towards the store. “This is a bit odd” I mumble to myself. I am still determined to find out why this looks so different from the others. I begin to wonder if it is just a catchy shop. I ignore my thoughts and make my way inside. Rows after rows of ice cream, the smell was so strong I could practically taste the ice cream in my mouth already. Cotton Candy, Goody Goody Gum Drops or maybe it was Hokey Pokey. Torn with the decision I have to make a choice. I ask if there is any possible way I could actually taste them. Hokey Pokey is up first. Its thick beige base was blinding my eyes. Gooey hokey pokey chunks on the end of my spoon were practically staring at me. A mouthful of flavours fulfills my cravings. Cotton candy supposedly looks a bit weird but tastes amazing.
“Wow this is impossible,” I whisper to the worker.
Beginning to laugh, he winked at me and gave me a smile, his teeth were so white I begin to wonder if they were real. The last one, I am concerned about this one. Its goody gumdrops give me shivers. A range of flavours fulfills my mouth.
“May I have Goody Goody Gum Drops?” I ask.
The ice cream was beginning to melt as I exit the shop, The cold brisk windy air has blown my hat away. Chasing, I am trying to catch up with this hat with Ice cream in my mouth and dripping down my fingertips. Then I begin to notice something even stranger, Scarier, more mysterious than the ice cream shop.
2 Comments
Add Yours →Hi Anika,
Here is some feedback.
You are swapping between past and present tense a lot. It is important that you keep this consistent. Either this happened in the past or it is happening now, it can’t be both.
You are repeating your word choices frequently. Read your work out loud so that you can hear the times where you are overusing certain words. Change some of these up to add greater variety in your work.
Remember this is about describing the shop. Not about creating a narrative. Focus on developing the detail of the shop itself so that your reader can experience as if they were there.
Keep at it.
Mr Johnson
Hi Anika,
In addition to the previous feedback,
You have a lot of work to do and not a lot of time to do it. Work hard to get it done.
Remember this is all about the description of your shop and the environment. The sights, sounds, smells. etc.
Use the 5 senses.
Mr Johnson